


emporer palpatines new groove !!LEMON!!

by ThresherShark



Category: Star Wars, the emperors new groove
Genre: Fisting, Llamas, M/M, spaceship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 12:24:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18446495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThresherShark/pseuds/ThresherShark
Summary: so bea asked me to write this bc they found this pic on the internet that put 'the emperors new groove' in with the star wars title? and also apparently palpatine is in the next movie? i don't really follow so i have no idea what thats gonna mean BUT they asked for kylo and palpatine and the emperors new groove (another movie i watched way too long ago to remember) SOpalpatine turns into a llama and kylo helps ; ) him ; ) out ; )trust me, it's disgusting yes there is a sex scene. runif you are under 18 leave before i cry





	emporer palpatines new groove !!LEMON!!

**Author's Note:**

> yes, i forgot when palpatine died and who was there! yes, i can't tell half the characters apart! no i wont change!

Emperor palpatine was sitting in his evil chair. There were no functions to such a chair besides to face the door and wait for jedi to show up, and it wasn’t even very comfortable, so he wiggled his bum back and forth a bit to get some feeling in his pale, flat cheeks again.  
Meanwhile, yoda and his squad were hanging out at the jedi HQ trying to think of how to kill him.  
“Turn him into a llama I think we should” yoda said to obi wan Kenobi, who nodded.  
“my apprentice and I will see to it at once. This way, annakin”  
Breezing out of the room after his master, the young-but-not-young-enough skywalker dodged some padawans in the hall as he started to question the plan, namely how they would turn palps into a llama.”master, how will we turn him into a llama?”  
“we know a woman who just might help. She lives in the groove galaxy, and is a master of transformative potions. She will help us, for a price”  
“how much are we talking?”  
“about a shot glass of jet fuel will sustain her” obiwan grabbed his satchel and tossed it into his spaceship “ive got twice that much in the glove box. Get in.”  
Anakin did as he was told, buckling his seat belt and putting on an Enya cd.

After a long flight through outer space, they made it to the groove galaxy. Annie only barfed once and he was mega proud of himself. They went into the temple that really looked like it was ripping off the Inca who had lived on earth, and inside it was none other than yzma, kronk, and jarjar binks.  
“jarjar how the fuck are you here?” Anakin asked.  
“funny story,” kronk began and then started mumbling because I can only remember his voice, not what he says.  
“meesa like levers” jarjar said, then pulled the wrong lever because he IS a sith lord please educate yourselves and believe it.  
Obiwaan went on a roller coaster with yzma and she gave him a llama pill. “Perfect. Is this eaten or a suppository?”  
“Heheheh… this tablet was made special for you, jedi. All you have to do is put it in your lightsaber, and then!” she paused dramatically “it will turn those you slash to llamas”  
“that is… so niche. Thank you for doing this.”  
“it is my business..” she reminded. To this, he handed her a shot glass full of jet fuel, which she promptly poured into the rollercoaster, so that it had enough gas to get back up the tracks.  
“what would have happened if I didn’t pay you here?” obi wan asked  
“well, you would have died here like the thief you were trying to be”  
“but you were stuck there too”  
“ill take my chances.”  
When they got back, Anakin and jarjar were having a little chat that would later manifest as Anakin turning evil. But of course, obi wan wouldn’t realize this until he would later have the high ground. “Back to the sedan, annie” he said.  
“Ok master” Anakin said, slapping kronk on the ass on his way out.

After a stop at pita space-pit, they went right to the bad guy ship (I forget where they kept the emperor. I also forget why he’s an emperor. You can’t make me learn anything about the prequels, DAD). And broke in however they did, hell, everything was the same as how you remember from Star Wars! The beloved movie franchise of many! They went in there, palpatine said do it, they did it rough, and they got him with the sick sick light saber! And maybe some lightning? Fuck I forget how the movie went. Oh god. I’m so sorry. Fuck.  
“It didn’t work,” Anakin said “he died”  
“Hm… well, he’s not a problem anymore” Obi Wan said “then again, this is Star Wars, he might come back stronger”  
“yeah right, no one does that”  
Obi wan winks at you sensually.

…  
……  
……….  
Where….. am I….  
This is not my body.  
This is not my brain.  
Hrrrrgggg…..  
Why am I… soft? Why do I want… why do I want to spit on children? Eat… grass…  
In a luscious field on a planet I’m sure some nerd could name for me, a llama grazed peacefully. The ranchers had found the animal passed out in the forest, and after asking around, they could not find the owner and took him in themselves. He was a good farm animal, always…  
Okay I’m going to be real with you, I forget what llamas are for. Is it the fur? You don’t milk them, right? I’ve never heard of eating a llama… well, they could not milk palpatine, but you get the picture. The amnesiac emperor may have been the picture farm animal, but inside, he felt like something was wrong. Like there was something he was forgetting. The disturbing feeling that you can’t place years of your life? Who had been his mother? Betsy the cow sure acted like one, but he wasn’t sure… why did he feel a kinship with the ranchers, of all creatures? Why…  
And each time he lived a llama’s life, he died one too. And in every reincarnation, he felt these same feelings. Had the other llamas been his mothers? His mates? His children? He was going mad. The more lives he lived, the madder he got. What may have been seventy earth years in, he took off as a young llama, to find himself, and put the demons he had reunited with again to rest.  
He would find…  
A new groove.

After a while of trotting through the forest, he was caught by some stormtroopers. “This would make a good llama for the empire!” the stormtrooper in white said.  
“Affirmative,” the other stormtrooper in white said “Kylo Ren could use a therapy animal to pet when he has tantrums.”  
Nodding, the first said “You suggest that to him.”  
“No you” the other said.  
“Fuck off, he’d shoot me!”  
“He’d shoot me too, the guy’s a pissbaby!”  
Suddenly, both stormtroopers had been shot, and Kylo stood over them. “You dare say that I am a pissbaby who needs a spit horse to comfort me? You insult me! A disgrace!” his dark cape swished over the grass as he did a 180 and went back into his spaceship.  
Palpatine followed. There was something… unnerving about the man. But that spoke to him. In none of his past lives had he felt this spark in his chest, the knowledge that he had a place here. There was something in the Empire that was for him. He trotted in after Kylo.  
The emo heard the animal following him, but didn’t want to be seen doing something so uncool as chasing a llama out of his spaceship, so he ignored it, hoping it would go away and become somebody else’s problem.  
Everyone just assumed it was kylo’s llama.  
Palpatine suddenly felt the urge to spit on Kylo Ren, and acted on it, still animal in his heart. Kylo ren whipped around, lightsaber drawn.  
“Don’t fucking spit on me, shitlord!” he threatened, but controlled his temper, and didn’t slaughter the animal.  
Or did he?  
The sight of the lightsaber awakened something in palpatine, throwing him back to the day of his first death. He had been a man! He had known the force! Perhaps he still did?  
Shaking, the former emperor grooved a little, rattling the metal panels on the wall. Stormtroopers had begun to take notice, and all the employees were looking around for who was messing with the wall.  
Kylo Ren’s attention was grabbed when it was his lightsaber being pulled from his holster. Slowly, he turned around, glowering. “Who. Did. That.”  
“It was the llama!” someone cried and was immediately shot, because he had a stupid idea.  
After a long silence, the saber moved again. The llama brayed, and Kylo started to believe. “… Put the force-sensitive llama in the stable.” He demanded.  
“We don’t have a st-“ this guy was also shot.

It was days before kylo would take it upon himself to check on the llama again. He had been busy crying.  
That was all the time emperor palpatine needed to remember who he truly was; a man who had been cursed. He felt trapped in his new form the moment he realized it wasn’t his, the fur suffocating, his neck was too long, his maw was too slobbery, but it had remembered it’s purpose.  
“Your name is Kylo Ren?”  
“FUCK! WHAT THE HELL YOU CAN TALK?!” Kylo Ren tripped over a wooden bucket and fell on his ass.  
“I am no llama, I was once a man! A great man by the name of Emperor Palpatine!” the llama decreed, encroaching on Ren’s personal space. “I was once the most powerful man in the galaxy, until I was done in by some jedi.”  
“… Do you know the name Anakin Skywalker?”  
“Yes, he was there, I think.”  
“He was my grandfather, the great sith lord Darth Vader”  
“Yeah that guy”  
“He turned you into a llama?”  
“I think so?”  
“Huh…” Kylo Ren looked disgruntled “I don’t remember that part happening.”  
“You weren’t born yet, what do you know?” palps scoffed “You need to turn me back from a llama. I would be of great service to the empire if I were in a more… comfortable form.”  
“I dunno, you look pretty comfy to me. You’re fluffy.” Kylo grumbled.  
“Silence, worm” the emperor emperored.  
“I guess no one told you,” Kylo sneered “that I’M the special boy here. I get the authority to silence people, and it’s usually with weapons.”  
“So I’ve noticed.” After a moment, the llama’s expression softened “please. Every time I die I wake as a llama again. I had forgotten that I was a man once.”  
“… I will have my scientists google it.” Ren allowed before sweeping out of the room with a fire that reminded the emperor of Anakin.

It was another few days before Kylo returned with a bunch of shit and a list of possible curse-breaking cures.  
“I never watched The Emperor’s New Groove as a kid,” Kylo explained, mixing something together “I only wanted to watch grown up movies, like The Hangover”  
“Yes, very mature.”  
“My mom was all like, Ben, that has bad words! Watch that and you’ll grow up to be a jerk! What a bitch. Drink this”  
Palpatine lapped up the potion, but it was the wrong one.  
This happened several times.  
“Huh.” He scratched another off the list “I guess that’s that.”  
“Let me see!” Palpatine demanded, and had bowled the other man over before he could deny him the paper. “… True love’s kiss…”  
“Well, yeah, there’s that, but who would be in love with a stinky llama like you?” Kylo hissed, quickly getting to his feet.  
“… Try me.”  
“No!”  
But the emperor persisted, and everyone on the ship was put in a line to kiss the llama on the llips. It was exhausting, and gross, and a sixth of the staff would later catch mono.  
“You’re the only one left, Kylo.”  
“Gross!”  
“Just one. No one has to know… Dewwit.”  
Something in his voice compelled Ren. His lips drifted in closer, and then, tenderly planted themselves on the llama’s…  
No dice. You gotta be kidding me if you thought that’d work! But the sexual urges reminded kylo of something! “Suppositories!”  
“Huh?”  
“I have to put the potion up your butt!”  
“…………………… Dewwit.”  
As it turned out, the llama’s colon was a lot longer than kylo would have guessed. He also didn’t have neat tablets, so he just fisted the other with gobs of the various potions in his hands, until finally, when he was elbow-deep in llama anus, Palpatine began to transform.  
Like a deviantart transformation fetish drawing, Palpatine animorphed into an old man again, pale and flabby, buck naked, with Kylo Ren’s fist all the way up his ass. “HOOOOOOOO”  
“AHHHHHHH!!!”  
“IT’S STUCK AND IT WON’T COME OUT!”  
“AAAHHh!hh!!!”  
Palpatine’s penis went erect. Kylo blushed harder. Slowly but surely, he retracted his hand from the other’s anus, and plunged it into a trough of water to get the doodoo off.  
After the emperor’s voice had stopped cracking in pain, he revelled in his body. “I am free! I am me! Palpatine is back!”  
“And erect for anal fisting.” Kylo Ren grumbled, but felt himself going hard at the sight. He was such a lonely virgin.  
“Mmmmmm” Palpatine wanted to celebrate. He turned around to display his already stretched anus and bent over “…. Dewwit?”  
Barring the door first, Kylo tossed his clothes to the ground, revealing his minifridge torso. He draped it over Palpatine’s back, and inserted his “lightsaber,” and started fucking hard so that he could feel it with his rectum so fucking big. Thankfully, that also meant that they didn’t need lube to get it in.  
It was probably also palpatine’s first time, to be honest, he doesn’t seem like he gets fucked imo.  
They nutted in synch, and it was messy. Blah blah blah, you know how it goes better than I do, then Kylo wanted some.  
But his bussy was still tight!  
In a blind, sexual move, palpatine coated his cock with the potion as the lube. When he penetrated Kylo, the younger man turned into a llama, right there on his stick!  
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Kylo shrieked.  
“AAAAAHHHHH!!!” Palpatine shrieked back.

And then they made the next movie, The end.


End file.
